I grew up in Northwest Jacksonville. If there is a homicide in Duval, 90% of the times, the investigation will end up on my neck of the woods. If you want dope, come on over. Pickettville is my number hood. A place where you will see base heads working hard to get that money for some rocks. The place where you will see strawberries walking down the street knowing they are gonna give some fellatio to some dope so they can get high. A place most of us played football for North Florida knowing they will end up selling dope or worse. Sounds like America’s nightmare, huh? No the place you want to grow up but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It help make me the man I am. Of course kept my nose in the books and my body in someone’s athletic arena but do you think my “friends” had something to do with me being here? Out of all the friends I grew up with in Pickett, only a few of us graduated high school. Hell, some didn’t make it pass middle school. How can they keep me focused into school? Some of my friends started selling dope as early as sixth grade. Some are selling dope now. How can THESE “friends” keep my nose clean? I have a few friends that have taken a few lives and will never taste freedom again. How in the hell a MURDERER be my friend and influence me to do right? Believe it or not, these same friends I am talking about, influenced me more than anyone in my family. The same friends that are selling dope are the same ones that would make me good home when they knew they were gonna do dirt. The same friends that never finished school told me I was gonna be the one to make it out and cursed me out when I wasn’t playing ball for somebody’s college. The “friends” that have taken lives are the same friends that told me I should join the military. “Fuck the war and fuck not owning yourself. Get the hell out of here! There’s nothing here for you, bruh!” You know you hear your family tell you to stay away from people like this. People who poison our communities with drugs and take the lives of others. Yep! I was told to stay away because I was told these people aren’t your friends. It’s funny how the people some should say I shouldn’t communicate with are the ones who kept me out of trouble. They should me real love. They are what I call the anti-friend. The type of friend that isn’t accepted by today’s or any society. My bruhs looked out for me. They made sure I made it out and I owe them more than anyone will ever know. Now I’m 26 and in the military. The same military some of my very own family told me not to join because it wouldn’t benefit me. HA! I guess blood isn’t thicker than water in ALL cases. I’ll never forget those friends who lost their lives before me. I will carry them in my heart always. And to those who are locked up, I got you. I will continue to write and put money on your books because just like you were a true friend to me, I will return the favor. Before I go, I have a question. How many of y’all actually have true friends like me? Think hard because if they aren’t looking out for your best interests, you should cut them lose. Me on the other hand, I think I’m set in the friend department. :)
“Think back 26 years, be like what if his birth was a miscarriage and I never existed Have I given something that have been taken away you would of missed it” - DMX “Let Me Fly”
This is my favorite DMX song and it always but me in a calm and pensive mind frame. I always think about the my past, the present, future, and the “what ifs” in my life. I think we all think about the “what ifs” the most. Even if you are completely happy and satisfied with your life, we always find things that would make things even better. If it was something we could have done different or something that happened that you had no control of, you will think of something that would make life better. My “what ifs” are no different than anyone else’s but still mean something to me. I have a career in the Air Force and the sky’s the limit. Why would I think about things that could be different? Why would I think “what if” I continued to play basketball? Pops turning down that scholarship to BK really hurt me and I gave up on basketball. If I continued to play, would I be overseas making enough money to support my family without them lifting a finger? Take it back a notch. “What if” I stayed at Paxon? Would I have dreams of being a physical therapist or still have the thoughts of being a market analyst? “What if” I never stopped being a garbage man and didn’t join the Air Force? “What if” Patrice or my grandparents never passed away? All those things cross my mind daily. Sometimes it hurts when I think about. Sometimes I get pissed. But I always come to the same conclusion:
I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s life and I tell myself that each time I have those thoughts and come back to reality. These events and decisions made me a man and I’m proud to say that. In a perfect world, I would have all of those things but would I be this humble? Would I be this intelligent and prudent? Would I take care of my loved ones the way I try to do? The answer to all of those questions is NO! So anytime your mind drifts into a state of euphoria from thinking about how perfect your life would be from changing those “what ifs,” ask yourself “would I” to snap back to reality. Your life may not be perfect but living in the past thinking about old sh*t is just depressing and sad. LIVE FOR TODAY, PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE, LEARN FROM THE PAST.
Everyone always talks about their best qualities. You know, the ones that makes you tick. However, most people never talk about the flaws that, in my opinion, really makes you who you are as a person. It takes a confident person to admit that everything that glitters about them, isn’t gold. Just to show you how confident am I, I will list all the flaws I can think of off the top of my head. Hopefully, this will persuade others to do the same thing. Here goes nothing:
1. I’m the world’s biggest procrastinator. It takes so much motivation to get up and do something right away.
2. I wear my heart on my sleeve. That doesn’t sound like a bad thing but in my case, it causes me to dwell on things I should let go.
3. It’s hard for me to trust people. I know I shouldn’t let everyone in but sometimes, especially in relationships, that person does everything to force me to trust them but it just won’t happen.
4. I’m very indecisive. I guess this comes from growing up around a lot of women. I can never decide what I want. One day, I want to be single and then ten minutes later, I want a girl. Crazy I know! o_O
5. I get so bored easy in relationships. I can only name five women that I have dated in my life that never caused me to lose interest.
6. I’m an asshole. That means I have a smart mouth and it can get me into trouble. I think the military has taken years away from my life because I can’t say what I REALLY want to say.
7. I hold everything in. It’s not a huge problem because of Maria but I still hold a lot in because (referring to number #3) it’s hard for me to trust people.
8. I care too much about my family and friends. I love them to death but sometimes, I let what goes on back home influence some of my decisions. Thank God for my dad because I don’t know where I would be if he didn’t talk some sense into me.
9. I have a temper. It’s nothing like Ike Turner but I can go from 0 to 60 faster than a Bugatti Veyron. (Google the car if you don’t know what it is).
10. I have to be in control. Sometimes I need to step back but the Alpha Dog in me begs to differ.
There you have it. Ten flaws about myself that makes me who I am. It takes a real man to admit his flaws and I know I am one thanks to Bruce E. Porter. One day I’ll correct these flaws to the best of my abilities but for now, admitting that I have them should suffice for now.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mother about her being old at 45 years old (sorry for putting your age out there momma…LOL) and about getting her some grand kids and a daughter-in-law. It’s a common conversation that we have because she knows how I use to be and how much I have grown up in through the years. She has met the women in my life and is the final approving authority on who I end up with in the end ( I tell her that so she can feel good about herself..LOL) I can’t believe I’ll be 27 years old this December. I have been around, done some dirt, broken some hurts, and had my heart broken. I think that’s pretty normal for someone my age but what makes me the way I am is how I rebound from all of the ups and downs from past relationships. I have been with women who I thought I was gonna spread the rest of my life with (Brandi and Gabie), women who has broken my heart (Whitney), ones that makes you think “what if” (Liz and Niover), and some that ended up being one of my good friends (Santanna…remember that night we all went to shake in bake..LOL). I have had close calls and jumped in relationships that had me thinking from the start,”WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING!!!!” I think we have all had those…LOL I think about my grandparents’ marriage and how they were the perfect example of opposites that attract. They made me look at relationships like all relationships should be like that. Nowadays, I look at my sister’s marriage how she caters to my brother-in-law and how he cherishes every breathe she takes. That’s real love. Anytime I look at my goddaughter, I believe she is the world’s most beautiful baby. That little girl makes me want to be a father even more. When Satchel and Jennifer announced that they had one on the way, we all felt like it was our baby. It made me wonder when I will take that step. Have I met my queen already? Am I gonna meet her sooner or later? It’s all good. I know she’s around some where and I will keep my eyes opens. When I do get her, she won’t be my princess. She will be my queen. I will support her like Satchel does Jennifer. I will cherish her like Acie does Tasha. I will love her the way my grandfather loved Ernestine Clo Porter. I will never leave her the same way Pops stood behind Patrice until the day she died. These traits that I have learned throughout the years have made me a man that will know how to take care of a woman. These traits that will help me take care of a family. The list goes on and on. I know I won’t be the perfect husband to my wife but I WILL be the best friend she will ever have in her life. I know I won’t be the perfect father but I will instill the values that made me the man I am and pray that my children will learn from my mistakes. I know I will continue to pray and I believe God will bless me with the wife and family I truly deserve. So momma, to answer your questions on when I’m getting you some grandkids and a daughter-in-law? It will happen sooner or later. When I do meet her, you will be the first one to know.